This list goes in the right direction, but it doesn’t quite sit with me. Here’s my take (emphasized):
- Answer questions about how I fuck, how I manage my relationships and how I live my life.
- Nod and smile when they tell me that some day I might change.
- Be “tolerant” of all their dipshit opinons, including but not limited to: acceptance of pedophilia, acceptance of incest, and dismantling of the institution of marriage entirely because that would be better than my wanting a piece. Also their moral judgments on LGBTQ people’s social viability, their “pity” for the “suffering” that LGBTQ people must “forever endure”, observations regarding “the causes” of being LGBTQ, their opinions on the legitimacy of the pride parade, their assumption that all LGBTQ people are gay and that bisexual and transgender issues are non-existent, unimportant or unacceptable.
- Stop looking so ‘gay/weird’.
- Never ever mention LGBT issues or call them out on homophobia, biphobia and transphobia.
- Cosign every time they want to make fun of LGBTQs (and especially trans women), use the word “gay” or “trans” derogatorily, or say “faggot.”, equate bisexuality with confusion, transgenderism with “perversion”, or any part of the LGBT spectrum with child abuse.
- Offer praise, admiration, and endless compliments whenever they want to discuss how hard it is to be an ally.
- Praise and pat them on the back each time they don’t act like LGBT-phobic assholes.
- Never, ever-ever-ever, take up space to discuss your life, your issues and your oppression as an LGBTQ person.
- Answer and apologize for their perceived missteps of “the community” because apparently we all act in concert and/or they know better than us how to manage our struggles.
- Nod and smile when they tell me how disgusting they imagine it would be to be gay, bisexual or transgender, how hard it must be for my partner(s), or how hot it would be to watch.
- Never ever mention that I’m LGBT.
- Laugh at their LGBT-phobic jokes.
- Give them warm hugs and heartfelt thanks when they tell me they “support” me. Sorry, who the fuck are you?
- And most of all, never ever ever imply that my life might sometimes be difficult because I am LGBT. Such things are only for them to discuss when they tearfully recount tales of ally-hood. And anyway, bisexuals are “not oppressed”, and everything is so much better for all of us now (usually purely because some places let gay people get married).
Not perfect, but anyway - there it is.